Ate a Dragon

The Elimination of Bed Bugs

In 2014 the Bed Bug crisis had reached epic proportions. No chemicals could stop them from invading apartments and no material could keep them off beds or furniture. The answer to this dilemma finally came thanks to a controversial biologist, Anthony Rohain. Dr. Rohain had created a new life form that was shaped like a mattress, but feasted on bed bugs.

He proposed replacing mattresses with this new creature, called colloquially, the mattress monster. It’s appearance was hideous, but the mattress monster was comfortable being completely covered in sheets making its looks a non-issue.

People still resisted the idea of sleeping the entire night on these monsters. It was hard for them to come to grips with sleeping on top of a living thing. So for a while the bed bug epidemic continued to get worse, until there reached a point where everyone began sleeping on mattress monsters.

By 2019 bed bugs were completely eliminated from the face of the earth. Of course this led to more problems.

If someone gets a cat to take care of mice, they soon learn they now must adapt to living with a different animal. And if that cat has no mice to eat? You must find something else to feed it.

Mattress Monsters began devouring people who slept on them in early 2020. The first reported case was on Feb. 3, but it wasn’t until Feb. 15 that it was confirmed to be more then a freak occurrence.

There was no time to work on a long term solution to the mattress monster problem, so Dr. Rohain was again called in. He created a new monster that would hold the mattress monster. This hard shelled creature extended tiny tendrils into the mattress monster and would suck its blood. These new monsters, coined frame freaks, also sent nutrients back through the tendrils so that the monsters were sustained. The now weaked mattress monsters entered into a symbiotic relationship with the frame freaks and would no longer be hungry or strong enough to feast on people.

People got rid of their old bed frames, and placed their mattress monsters on frame freaks. Most people had been sleeping on the monsters for over a year so sleeping on two living beings wasn’t an issue. They were slightly concerned since the mattress monsters had eaten approximately 200 people in just over 2 weeks, but a series of public service announcements, combined with a few tax breaks for frame freak owners helped calm the public.

It wasn’t until 8 months later, October of 2020, that the frame freaks began sucking the blood of people. It seems after a while the frame freaks got strong and bigger and needed more blood then the mattress monsters could provide. So they extended their tendrils to the people sleeping above them. It took a while for this to be discovered, because the sleeping people didn’t die. They just kept sleeping as part of the life chain in the bedroom. People would miss work or appointments, but had enough energy to answer their phone and mumble about being tired. Eventually a few people decided to check on their eternally sleeping family and friends and saw the horrifying truth.

It was back to the lab for Dr. Rohain who was once again the only hope of humanity. He soon devised an animal that would live off the frame freak, enough to keep it from growing. By keeping the frame freak from growing it would never need to expand it’s blood sucking tendrils beyond the mattress monster. These tiny bug-like creatures would be liberally sprinkled on the frame freak and would feed on it. Because bed bugs had not existed in almost 3 years, these new creatures co-opted the name.

So by the year 2022, people had become dependent on bed bugs.

Regret (or Joan and the Portal)

Joan stood right outside the entrance to the G line. Her subway was going to arrive in a moment, but she was caught off guard by the portal that opened in the air next to her. It appeared almost silently, though there was a slight scent of burning air as the fabric of space and time was ripped open.

Joan was nervous about getting too close to the portal, but she wanted to try to see where it led to. The whole portal shimmered like a pool of water and it glowed just bright enough to obscure whatever lay on the other side.

Joan knew the only way to find out where it led was to step through the portal. But she was worried that it opened on another planet where the atmosphere would be predominantly methane and she would be suffocated. Or maybe it opened in the center of a star. That would explain the glowing. Or maybe it opened in the depths of space. Portals could lead anywhere.

Maybe it opened in another dimension. One that would be so complex she would die from her inability to comprehend with her limited senses. So overwhelmed she would die as her consciousness expanded beyond her abilities. Or it could lead to a dimension so simple here presence would destroy it, and she would be stranded halfway through the universe, as if she tried to stand inside a blade of grass.

Joan was becoming sure of one thing, portals were tricky business. If only there was some clue of where it led. She decided to find a branch to put in the portal to see if that revealed any clues. But branches aren’t that common on the streets of Brooklyn. And there wasn’t one in reach. Joan began to consider trying to poke it with a pen, but wasn’t sure the pen was long enough to keep her at a safe distance.

The portal winked closed as Joan rolled up a free newspaper she had in her tote bag. It made a slight sighing noise, and then the street looked the same as it did any other day. No one would ever notice that a portal opened on the street.

Joan went down the stairs and saw the G train pulling away. She was going to be late to work.

The Cat with the Death Sentence

The orange cat sat on the bench. The dark gray cell was cold, but his thick fur coat kept him from being too bothered. On the other side of the bars stood a guard. The guard’s nose was slightly red and his eyes were bloodshot.
“Alright cat, time for us to get your order for your last meal. You can have anything you want.”
The cat sat up and looked at the guard. He scowled as he jumped off the bench and approached the bars. He sat down and curled his tail around his side.
“You know what I want.” said the cat.
“No I don’t. Why would I know what a cat would want?”
The cat laughed sarcastically. “Of course. Why would you know what food I want. It’s such a tricky question.”
“Look cat, I don’t know what you are playing at. I was told to get your food order, and that’s what I’m doing.”
“I think you’re here to gloat in my misery. You love seeing someone like me behind bars, don’t you? Schadenfreude.”
“I wouldn’t be near you if I wasn’t being forced to. I’m allergic. Being near you makes my nose run, and I’ll be sneezing for the rest of the day. So no, I am not hear to get any joy out of your misery. You’re just another killer to me.”
“Just get me my meal.”
“What meal?”
The cat grabbed two bars with his little paws. “Don’t fuck with me. I’m the most famous god-damn cat in the world. EVERYONE knows what I eat. EVERYONE.”
The guard leaned real far down. Putting his face right up near the cat’s pink nose.
“You might be big shit to some people, but I ain’t never heard of you.”
“I don’t need to subject myself to this bullshit. You tell the chef to make MY FAVORITE FOOD. He’ll know.”
The guard stood back up.
“I’m going to write down ‘one dead mouse.’ How about that? Cats eat mice, right?”
“Don’t. You. Dare.”
“I’d say ‘see you later,’ but my shift is over in 10 minutes and you won’t be here tomorrow.”
The guard walked down the hall chuckling to himself.
The cat paced to the right edge of his cell.
“Hey! Heathcliff! What day is today?”
“The 23rd. You should know.” said the alley cat who was straining every muscle he had in an attempt to pry open the bars on his cell. He had been doing that since he got brought in.
“What day of the week?” hissed the cat.
Heathcliff paused. “Monday.”
The cat leaped back onto his bench and curled up. “Figures.”

Neighborhood Wars

Dad entered from the backyard, his face singed and bruised. He removed his steel chest plate and dropped it on the battered linoleum.
“Daniel, Have you repaired the catapult yet?”
“Not quite. And I had to use the last of our bannisters.” I wiped the sweat from my forehead. The house was hot and the air was stale. The air didn’t circulate with all the windows boarded up.
“Get it working or we are going to lose our backyard to the Gannigan’s”
The Gannigans were located on the far side of our backyard. If our intel was correct they had usurped the neighbors on either side. No news if that was via alliance or if the Portlets and Bishops were dead.
“We can’t fight on all four sides!” whined my little brother Carter.
“We don’t have a choice idiot!” I tossed a scrap piece of wood at his head.
“Boys! Don’t fight! Not with each other.”
The thing that annoyed me was that Carter was right. We were stretched too thin. The Moore’s across the street seemed to be preparing to fire some sort of flaming arrows at our front gate. A front gate that was ready to fall, and we had no time to reinforce it. On our right was the Weiss’s place. They didn’t seem strong but clearly were watching for an opening. I suspect Cynthia, their oldest daughter, was the one who sabotaged our catapult. On our left was the Whitte’s. A family of eight. And it was all we could do to hold them off.
The short range catapult was the only thing that had kept us in the fight this long.
Mom came out of the basement. “We’re almost out of unspoiled hamburger meat. Soon all we’ll have is canned food.”
“Yeah! Hamburgers again!” Carter pumped his fist.
“But after this it’s all vegetables.” I sniped. Carter flipped me off.
Our electricity had been off for a week. It had been two weeks since anyone from our family had left the neighborhood block. I wondered if any one in the town knew what was happening in this housing complex. Why hadn’t the police intervened? Had these sort of battles broken our everywhere? I wasn’t even sure what started everything.
I remember a month ago we had a community tag sale and a few people got in arguments about missing funds. And a lot of folks got mad at the Rune’s and Fitches for not keeping their lawns better. Could this really have started over a few dollars and some uncut grass?
“Ok, Dad. I think I got this working again.” I looked over at my Dad, who was peering through a crack in the back wall. The sliding glass door had long ago been shattered and we had replaced it with the roof of our shed.
“Not a second too late, The Gannigan’s are making a move. Get ready to hold off their dogs while I roll the catapult into place.”
Carter and I slid on our football pads and long gloves. I picked up the weed wacker and Carter swung a shovel. Mom took her place in the window with her gas-soaked tennis balls. She knew not to throw any unless we got in a lot of trouble.
“I never liked these dogs.” Carter mumbled at me.
“Yeah, they used to chase us anytime we biked near their house.”
“Watch my back.”
Before I could respond Dad gave us the signal, and pulled back the shed’s roof. Carter and I dashed out into the backyard to clear a path for Dad.
I found myself thinking that if Dad had gotten us that pool Carter and I wanted we’d have more protection from these attacks.

Octopus in a Tree

“Michael, why is there an octopus on the top of the old oak tree in our backyard?”
“I don’t know Dad.”
“Are you telling me, that you didn’t put that octopus on top of the oak tree?”
“I didn’t even know it was back there.”
“You had nothing to do with the octopus?”
“No! Jeez Dad, leave me alone.”

Patrick turned around, slid the glass door open, and stepped out onto his porch. He looked at the octopus sitting on top of the oak tree. The octopus had his tentacles wrapped around various branches to keep himself from falling.

“Michael says he didn’t put you up there.”
“Well he did! Why would I lie about that?”
“How would my 12 year old son get an octopus on top of a tree?”
“I don’t know. He did it with human stuff. You know levers, and pulleys and stuff. I don’t understand you humans and your amazing devices.”
“I got to say, that doesn’t sound like Michael. He doesn’t work hard at anything. I’d almost be proud of him if he built a machine to move an octopus to the top of a tree.”
“Well, I certainly didn’t put myself up here. I don’t want to be here. I live in the ocean. That’s where I want to be.”

Stuart came around the fence and looked at the octopus. The octopus was acting perturbed.

“Hey Pat.”
“Hey Stu.”
“You got an octopus in your tree.”
“Yeah. Don’t know how he got up there.”
“Maybe he climbed up there.”
“The octopus says he didn’t. Says he wouldn’t want to be in a tree.”
“Well, I am pretty good at reading faces. He looks like he’s faking. I think he likes it up there.”
“I know you’re good at reading faces.”
“Well, I’m a judge. I find it’s helpful.”
“Do you think judging octopus faces is as easy as human faces.”
“Not completely. But I suspect it gives me a leg up on most people.”

Patrick stared at the octopus long and hard. The octopus acted as nonchalantly as he could. He tried not to look down at the humans. Then Alison stepped out on the porch.

“Honey? There’s another octopus at the front door. I don’t like dealing with all these octopuses”
“Octopi.”
“I think both pluralizations are acceptable.”

Patrick and Alison left Stuart in the backward with the octopus and walked through the den. Michael was still playing X-Box. He didn’t look up. They walked through the kitchen and out in the hallway that led to the foyer. Patrick opened the door and sitting just outside was another octopus.

“Hi. Is there an octopus in your backyard?”
“Yes.”
“Finally! I thought I’d never find him. Can I talk to him?”
“Sure.”

Patrick led the octopus through his house past a annoyed Alison and an unresponsive Michael. Soon they were both on the back porch. Stuart was staring intently at the octopus in the three.

“I don’t know Pat. This guy is hiding something.”
“Well I think this guy will sort it all out.”

The octopus in the tree looked scared.

“Hey don’t bring him back here! I don’t know him!”
“He seems to know you.”
“OK. I know him, but he isn’t my friend. Or family or anything. He’s bad news.”

The octopus on the ground pulled out 6 guns.

“You shouldn’t have borrowed money that you couldn’t pay back.”
“Give me more time!”

The octopus on the ground shot the octopus in the tree with his third gun. Then he turned to Patrick.

“I’ll let myself out.”

The octopus slid back into the house. Patrick looked up in the tree at the dead octopus. Stuart shook his head.

“How are you going to get him down?”

The Case of the Duplicitous Dog

I’m a private detective. I used to be a cop, but was encouraged to retire when I was discovered to have made zero arrests. I never closed a case and I rarely helped anyone who was trying to solve a case. I wasn’t a good cop.

But former cops become private detectives, so that’s what I did. My record as a cop isn’t public so my clients might assume I was a good cop who decided he’d rather tail disloyal wives or philandering husbands. Though I’ve never met a cop who cared about catching a cheating spouse. In fact I turn down any jobs where I am just following someone’s significant other. Murders are more interesting. At least to most cops. I find murder distasteful. And dangerous. I tend to turn down any cases that sound dangerous. I don’t make a lot of money.

Most of the cases I take are brought in by crazy people. I don’t actually know if they are diagnosed with a mental illnesses. In fact, I assume they aren’t diagnosed, or they’d be getting help and wouldn’t be coming to see me. Still in my opinion, as untrained as it might be, my clients are crazy.

My most recent case was brought in by Arthur Span. He thinks his dog is cheating on him. I know I said I don’t take cases that involve cheating spouses, but cheating pets… that’s my kind of case. Arthur works in sanitation. I didn’t want to hear about his job, but Arthur wanted to tell me anyway.

His job is to walk around in the sewer making sure there aren’t any obvious problems in the pipes. It was an easy job. If he noticed a pipe leaking he made a mark on his sheet. If it was a minor leak, they did nothing but made sure to check it more often. If it was a major leak they’d send someone in soon. If it was a gas leak they’d send someone in immediately. In all cases Arthur didn’t do anything to fix the leak. I liked Arthur.

Unfortunately he was right. Arthur’s dog, Bishop, was adorable. A mix, but predominantly beagle. A real cute beagle. The kind you’d adopt even if your allergic to dogs. While Arthur was at work Bishop would spend his time in the backyard. The backyard had a fence, but there were a lot of gaps and folks would stop to look at Bishop. Bishop loved the attention. He’d roll around in the garden. He’d chase bugs. He’d cover his eyes with his paws.

Then around noon everyday a neighborhood kid would climb over the fence and pet Bishop. He’d toss around a ball and Bishop would chase it. Bishop would leap into this kid’s lap whenever the kid sat down. They’d roll around the yard together. After about an hour the kid would leave. When Arthur would get home, Bishop was too tired to play. And while he still enjoyed being pet, he didn’t seem to get as excited as he used to. That last piece of info was according to Arthur. I don’t know if Bishop ever liked being pet by Arthur. But by the time I was hired, that dog was merely putting up with him.

I took some photos and showed them to Arthur. To Arthur’s credit he didn’t cry. He already suspected, he just wanted proof. I suspected he’d get mad at Bishop, but I doubted he’d get rid of him. Arthur has a nice heart and he loves his dog. Even if that dog doesn’t love him anymore.

I told Arthur he owed me 80 dollars for the work I had done. Arthur tossed me an envelope. Said there was a little extra for me. Then Arthur left.

I opened the envelope. There was only 10 dollars inside, a lollipop stick that had been chewed on, and a coupon for a car wash that went out of business 12 years ago. My clients are crazy.

The Earth is a Seed

The truth about our universe.

The Earth is merely a seed that is planted in space. The mountains, and plants, and oceans on Earth are merely sprouts growing out of the seed. Soon the planet will blossom and shoot out its own seeds. These seeds, which to you are merely more planets and moons, will spread out around the Earth. The Earth, free of it’s blossoms, will bloom and become a star and that star is the center of a new system. Our moon will either sprout, blossom, and bloom into a star creating a binary system, or it may be a dead seed and remain in the new system, like Mercury.

The most common way for a planets to be pollinated is by meteors. These pollen meteors crash into the planet bringing the necessary chemicals and building blocks to begin the growing process. They also can break off new pollen from the seed planet that will hopefully pollinate other seed planets.

Some types of seed planets don’t release pollen until near blossoming. First they create organisms, called animals. These animals gain sentience and begin to learn how to harvest resources to make fuel and technology. They do this until they can build their own pollen that is then set off to other seed planets. Earth is famous for pollinating a lot of other seed planets. Most recently Titan and Mercury. Unfortunately, as mentioned early, Mercury is a dud seed and won’t blossom, but perhaps the pollen from Earth will kick start Titan until it grows into it’s own blossoming planet.

Black Holes are parasites that form in the middle of blossoming planets, or stars, and cause the entire structure to implode. This then pulls in other seeds which feed the parasite. This continues until all nearby matter is sucked in and the parasite eventually dies.

At the edge of the universe is a fence to keep out rabbits.

Sala’s Books

I decided to take a short cut home from work and found myself on a street that I have never been on before. I was surprised to find any new ground between my office and my apartment but was delighted to discover a used book store. Its sign merely read “SALA’S BOOKS” and when I looked in the window I could clearly see stacks of dusty old tomes everywhere.
I entered and looked around as a small bell jingled. No one seemed to be behind the counter and I saw no need to call for help as I wasn’t sure I wanted to buy anything. I walked down the first aisle and noticed the books were unsorted which some might find annoying. I, however, was thrilled. The chances of discovering a gem was increased as long as I put in the time to search.
None of the titles were familiar to me. “House of Vines”, “The Bird Museum” and “The Severed Hand” were the first few I glanced. All of them had covers that were a bit gruesome for my taste.
I heard a woman’s giggle from another aisle. Curious to see who else was in the shop I went down the aisle and saw an old woman. She was half my height, wore thick glasses, and was a bit hunched over. She didn’t seem like to woman who I heard laugh, and when she spoke I was sure it wasn’t the same person. Her voice was withered and exhausted.
She asked if I would get her a book from the top shelf. I said yes and grabbed the volume that she indicated. It was simply titled “GASP!” and when I turned to hand it to her she was gone. I assumed she went to the counter so I started towards the exit but was shocked to realize I couldn’t find it.
I guess I got turned around a bit. Each aisle I went down seemed to lead into a darker and dustier aisle. I was ashamed to shout for help but was getting nervous. Then I heard the giggle again. I quickly moved towards the voice and saw a beautiful young girl move out of sight. I tried to follow her but she seemed to be leading me deeper into the bookstore.
I was torn, should I follow the only person I could see or should I avoid going deeper into the store? I called out to her but she couldn’t hear me.
After dashing after her for five more aisles I found myself completely lost. This store was much larger then any bookstore I had ever been in.
After I entered the next aisle I saw a man. I’m not sure where the woman had gone, but I decided to ask the man if he knew which way the exit was. He seemed nervous when he noticed me and his hand’s squeezed as if was getting ready to attack. Instead he only grabbed the book I was holding for the old lady.
He praised himself for getting the book and took off. A moment later I heard the bells from the front door jingle and the man laughing again. I was distraught that it sounded very far away. Did that book lead the man out of here? I cursed myself for not looking at the book more closely.
I decided that maybe another book would help. I started grabbing books randomly. Most of the books near me had covers with images of people screaming. I tried reading a few but they contained random unconnected sentences describing awful things.
I heard the giggle again, but decided not to follow.

Ate a Dragon

“Well, Conrad it sounds like you’d be a great fit here.”
“That’s great. Does that mean I’ve got the job?”
“Just have one more question. It says here on your resume, under special skills, it says you… ate a dragon.”
“Yes.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I ate a dragon.”
“Oh.”

“Are dragons real?”
“Yes. They mostly keep to themselves.”
“Why did you eat one?”
“I wanted to do something that helped me stand out from other applicants.”
“So you ate a dragon specifically to help you get this job?”
“Well not this job specifically, but any competitive position that I applied for.”
“How does eating a dragon help you in a polymer lab?”
“It shows I’m someone who can complete difficult tasks. That I’ll put the time in to get something important done.”
“Eating dragons is hard?”
“Definitely. First off, they’re huge. So it’s time consuming. But on top of that they’re covered in diamond hard scales. So getting through those scales to the meat is hard.”
“I guess I don’t know a lot about dragons.”

“Did you slay the dragon? Or was it already dead?”
“No I had to kill it first.”
“That isn’t on your resume.”
“I had to make room to fit my consulting work for Merck. I figured one dragon related skill was enough.”
“And you figured eating a dragon was more impressive then slaying a dragon?”
“People slay dragons. I’m not sure anyone has eaten one before. Besides I hoped it would imply I slayed a dragon.”

“Aren’t dragon’s sentient?”
“I thought you didn’t know much about dragons?”
“Did you kill a sentient creature?”
“Yes. But it was evil. A lot of dragons are evil”
“Not all dragons are evil?”
“Nope. Like people, some are evil and some are good. This one was evil.”
“How do you know he was evil?”
“Lots of human bones in his lair. He tried to kill me. You know, evil dragon behavior.”

“How did you slay him?”
“I used the fabled dragon-slaying sword Wrath’s Heart.”
“Where did you get that?”
“I had to quest for it. Not to be rude, but do I have this job or not?”
“Yes.”
“Great! That’s great news. Thanks. You won’t regret this.”

“How did it taste?”
“Not that good. Very stringy. An ok flavor.”

“We’d like you to start Monday.”

The Package

Scott opened his door and saw an angel standing on his front porch. Light seemed to beam down from the skies on to the angel as well as emanate from within the holy being. Choirs could be heard singing, and everything in sight seemed more alive. Birds sang, flowers bloomed, and grass turned greener. The angel seemed to be of no race or gender and yet appeared to be of every race and gender at the same time.
The angel held a package.
“Are you Scott Perkins?” said the most lovely voice that has ever spoken.
“Yes” replied Scott.
“Did you order the halo?” asked the spirit of grace, goodwill, and love.
“Yes” replied Scott.
“Well, this is it. Sign here” the glory of all life continued, and then in a motion that could inspire 1000 of the loveliest poems the angel lifted a clipboard.
“I didn’t realize it was a real halo.” said Scott.
“The ad said it was a ‘100% genuine, authentic halo.’” countered the most understanding voice in the history of existence.
“I guess I thought it was a joke.” Scott said, while trying to smile.
“It wasn’t.” the angel joyfully countered with a smile that shone across the globe blessing every baby that had been born in that instant.
“It was 10 dollars.” Scott said as his forehead wrinkled up in confusion.
“That seems like a good price.” the angel mentioned while his hair flowed in the wind so beautifully the most skilled painter would only have been able to capture one percent of its glory.
“It actually is very cheap for a real halo.” explained Scott.
“Oh good, will you sign here?” reiterated the holiest of beings in a way that made all humankind feel better about themselves.
“I don’t think I want it now. I’m a bit intimidated.” Scott sheepishly admitted.
“That’s understandable.” the angel said sadly, but sadly in a way that only made everyone more joyful and comfortable with their place in life.
The sky opened up and the angel flew into the air leaving a sense of wonder and hope behind.
Scott went back inside and had a bowl of Apple Jacks.